Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Do You Really Love Me??

Many years of my life have been spent abused by others. I am not ashamed to admit this, as it has been a large part of the 'wondering game' that dances in my head. Sometimes I play the game as it begs me to play. It is not a fun game,but never the less, it beckons me to play many minutes out of my day. My thoughts tease me into believing I am not a worthy player in this game of life, and threaten to push till I fall from the cliff for good!!
I always thought because I was emotionally abandoned so young as a child, that no one really loved me and as the emotional, as well as physical abuse continued through my adult life, I was destined to play the 'wondering game' forever.I felt if someone could tell me just one more time they loved me, I would believe them. If they could say it 200 times it would sink in, but on the 201st time I would be a doubter again.
It was a miserable existence for me, never really trusting anyone. I have to admit the trust issues remain.
Then one day I had an "Aha" moment with the help of a dear friend. Love is different for each person and we all express it differently. The abuse I lived through could make me stronger or continue to make me feel unworthy. My dear friend convinced me finally that other people struggle as well and with much more than I. I guess it is like the person who says..."wish I had a new pair of shoes" until he sees the person without feet. That "aha" moment really changed me. I no longer feel that love escapes me and I am not worthy of love. I might understand it a bit different than some, but I can now be thankful for the moments I have and stop the wondering game, for I know now I am loved by one if not many, but for sure by one person who took the time to convince me I am worthy. I am thankful for you.
If you feel lost and unloved, remember, you do not have to live in the past. It is a choice to open up your heart and let love come in or remain closed to everyone in your life. I am choosing to look in the mirror and love me again and to believe because I do, someone can and does really love me. I don't have to ask anymore.."Do You Really Love Me?"